


Christmas in Japan

by MajestyTime



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Ash Lynx and Okumura Eiji Go to Japan, Boys In Love, Breakfast, Christmas, Christmas Decorations, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Party, Christmas Shopping, Cute, Cute Okumura Eiji, Family, Family Drama, First Christmas, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Japan, Love, M/M, Meet the Family, New York City, Nightmares, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Photographer Okumura Eiji, Post-Canon, Shopping, Sleeping Together, Snow, Snowball Fight, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21752083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajestyTime/pseuds/MajestyTime
Summary: Ash and Eiji decide to have their first Christmas together in Japan. Things are supposed to be better now, but New York City continues to haunt Ash, and Ash can't run away from his nightmares.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	1. His Mind Racing with Possibility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I'm not sure if this story will be finished or continued or...yeah...sorry! I can't really go into detail about it, so please don't have high expectations.

Eiji leans against the window of his apartment in Izumo. Snowflakes gently danced and glided down to the ground from the air like sparkly figure skaters. Eiji sips some of his hot chocolate as he watches the snowflakes float around. It was December, and Christmas was right around the corner. Ash had come to Japan for the first time at the beginning of spring in March. This would be Ash and Eiji’s first Christmas together in Japan.

Eiji didn’t know much about Christmas. He had stayed in America for two years, but during that time, he didn’t really get the chance to learn about Western holidays with all the violence that had been happening between the gangs. Ash hadn’t done anything special on Christmas with Eiji while they were in New York City together either. Now that they lived together in Japan, Eiji wondered whether or not he should do something special on Christmas Day for Ash. Eiji had tried to look up information about American Christmas traditions online, but there was just so much information, Eiji stopped searching because he was so overwhelmed. Eiji didn’t know for sure if the information online was accurate, and he didn’t want to risk making a fool out of himself in front of Ash with misinformation about Christmas. Plus, Ash might not even want to celebrate Christmas.

Still, Eiji couldn’t push away the desire to spend the day with Ash, decorating the Christmas tree together and cuddling on the couch together while drinking hot chocolate…

Eiji was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of the front door unlocking. Eiji turns his head towards the door and smiled softly as he walked towards Ash.

“Tadaima, Eiji!” Ash says as he locks the door behind him. Ash places the groceries he had brought home onto the counter of their kitchen and slips out of his shoes. The Japanese syllables still felt strange and foreign on Ash’s tongue, despite the fact that Ash had been living in Japan for more than several months. Still, it felt good to speak Japanese. To Ash, it felt like he was exploring something new without tainting and destroying it with the shattered, jagged remnants of his broken self.

“Okaeri, Ash,” Eiji replies warmly, more quietly than he meant to, his voice soft and tender. Ash smiles back at Eiji before shrugging off his coat and tossing it onto the couch that was on the other side of the room. Eiji took another sip of his hot chocolate before speaking. “I made you some hot chocolate. If it’s too cold, I can warm it up for you.”

“Thank you, Eiji,” Ash says, grabbing the blue mug filled with hot chocolate off of the kitchen counter. Ash and Eiji’s apartment was fairly spacious, but it wasn’t super grand or fancy. When they were first looking for apartments, they wanted something that was cozy but not cramped. This place was perfect, and although it wasn’t extremely expensive, it was still quite pricey, and it was most definitely way too much for Eiji to buy on his own. Ash used stolen money from Dino to buy the apartment and he didn’t let Eiji contribute a single penny towards the apartment despite Eiji’s protests. Eiji tried his best to sway Ash but, to no avail. Once Ash had his mind set on something, he was unstoppable. It was unfortunate for Eiji that Ash had his mind set on buying anything Eiji wanted without letting Eiji pay for any of it.

Ash takes a sip of his hot chocolate. Eiji notices the way Ash’s eyes close as he savors the flavor of the hot chocolate. Ash lets out a small, chaste moan of satisfaction. Pride spreads throughout Eiji’s core. The feeling of pride spreading throughout Eiji intensified when Ash looked at Eiji with a small smile hanging off of his lips as he said,“This is good.”

“Thanks,” Eiji replies, unable to prevent his cheeks from reddening. Eiji puts one hand on his hip and pouts, his other hand holding his cup of hot chocolate. “So, you thanked me for the drink without even knowing if it’s good?”

“I know it’ll be good because you made it,” Ash says immediately, causing Eiji to flush even more. Ash’s cheeks were pink. He awkwardly looks away from Eiji and takes another sip of his hot chocolate. Eiji stares down at his hot chocolate before mumbling out another embarrassed thanks. Ash murmurs something about taking a shower before taking his hot chocolate and leaving the kitchen.

Eiji’s heart pounds in his chest, fluttering. Every time Ash complimented him, Eiji’s heart swelled with emotion. He tried his best to prevent himself from expressing these feelings for Ash too intensely; after all, the last thing Eiji wants is for Ash to feel obligated to return Eiji’s feelings.

And so, Eiji stares at his hot chocolate, his appetite suddenly gone, replaced with frustration. He felt bad for wanting to do something for the holidays so badly, especially since he didn’t know what Ash thought about Christmas, or any of the other holidays in general, aside from Halloween. In their time in America, Ash hadn’t done anything special for Christmas. Eiji wondered if Ash had bad memories with Christmas, and he wondered whether he could help Ash make new, good memories for Christmas. But, none of that could happen unless Ash agreed to do something special for Christmas.

Would he agree to do something like that?

“What with the frown, Oniisan?” Ash says as he walks back into the kitchen, holding an empty mug. He places the mug on the counter and then leans against it. Ash was now wearing a white t-shirt and black sweatpants. His hair was wet and his skin seemed damp. It usually took Ash around five to ten minutes to shower. How long had Eiji been staring at his damn hot chocolate?

Eiji looks at Ash briefly, suddenly realizing how his expression was contorted by his wistful thoughts. He turns his gaze back to his mug of hot chocolate, still frowning. Eiji’s words did not come out in the reassuring way he wanted them to. “It is nothing, Ash. Do not worry.”

“Hm,” Ash said, strolling over to Eiji. As he spoke, he reached out to wrap his arm around Eiji’s shoulders, causing Eiji to instinctively lean into Ash’s touch. “No frowning, Oniisan. You’ll get wrinkles, and then, instead of looking like an elementary school student, you’ll look like the old man that you are.”

Eiji could hear the teasing tone of Ash’s remark and he struggles to keep a smile off his face.

“Eiji?” Ash inquires, his eyebrows furrowing together in concern. Eiji shakes his head and turns to Ash, forcing a smile onto his face. Ash's concern deepens, but he doesn’t push the matter. He simply grabs his mug and starts to wash it in the sink. Eiji forces himself to down his hot chocolate (which was now lukewarm) and leaves the room, unsure of how to pull himself out of his sudden funk. As Eiji reaches the doorway, he suddenly stops, taking in a deep breath to build up his courage before suddenly turning around and calling out to Ash, who was now washing Eiji’s mug.

“Um,” Eiji calls out, internally wincing at how loud the sound came out. Ash freezes for a moment before continuing to wash Eiji’s mug. Ash glanced over his shoulder as he started to dry the mug, but he doesn’t turn around. “Ash?”

“Yeah?” Ash replies, his back facing Eiji.

“Do you like Christmas?” Eiji asks, his voice wavering slightly as he speaks. The question catches Ash off guard, causing him to freeze again before placing Eiji’s mug into a cupboard. He turns around to face Eiji and leans against the sink.

“What brought this on?” Ash asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I was just,” Eiji lets out a sigh before continuing, “...curious. I want to know your thoughts on the holiday. We didn’t really have much of a chance to talk about it while we were in New York City...”

Ash frowns and crosses his arms before replying. “I never really celebrated Christmas. Christmas is just another regular day for me, for the most part. I don’t hate it or anything, but I’m not really a fan of it. I’ve had some—” Ash licks his lips with disdain, his expression sour. “—especially unpleasant experiences around that time.”

“I see,” Eiji replies after a moment of silence. He stares at the pretty blue tiles of the kitchen floor, eyeing the swirling patterns as he battled himself over what he should say next. Eiji shoves his hesitation away in favor of the possibilities that came with his next words.

“I wanted to ask…” Eiji starts, his voice trailing off. His chin was tilted down, his eyes looking up at Ash, silently asking Ash for permission to continue. Ash gently nods his head, his gaze still hard with concern. “Could we…do something for Christmas? I don’t know much about the American traditions for the holiday and I never really celebrated it much before. I know you don’t celebrate it, but, I thought it would be nice to make our own Christmas traditions? It’s just a suggestion, so we don’t have to if you don’t want to…”

Eiji’s cheeks reddened as he stared at the floor. Embarrassed by how silly his idea sounded once he said it, Eiji opened his mouth to take it all back, but before he could, Ash responded.

“No, I want to,” Ash makes eye contact with Eiji, making Eiji flush underneath Ash’s gaze. His blond eyebrows relaxed, his jade irises kind and tender, his smile small and shy, his shoulders slack. The way Ash looked at Eiji was breathtaking, and in that moment, Eiji desperately wanted to capture this moment forever using his camera. Eiji wanted to take a picture of Ash’s tender gaze to keep with him as a reminder of who the real Ash was whenever Ash wasn’t around and for whenever Ash doubted who he really was. “It sounds like a nice idea.”

“Really? I’m glad,” Eiji manages to squeak, looking everywhere but Ash’s face. Eiji manages to calm himself down enough to not sound like a babbling idiot, but his heart still slams hard against his chest. “You’ll have to teach me about American Christmas traditions, though. I don’t know much about American Christmas traditions. And, we can…um, make our own traditions alongside the regular ones.”

“Yeah,” Ash replies dreamily, his mind already racing with all the possibilities. Ash’s mind filled with images of him and Eiji going Christmas tree shopping, decorating their home and their tree, sipping eggnog while watching the snowfall, dancing in the snow outside together, making snowmen and snow angels, maybe even kissing under the mistletoe…

Ash shakes his head, shoving his daydreams deep down within himself. Ash shouldn’t get ahead himself, especially with the last image. But, Ash couldn’t prevent the giddiness from shooting through him at the idea of doing something special with Eiji for Christmas.

“Let’s go to bed first,” Ash says, fighting a smile off his face. As he walks out of the room, he runs his fingers through his wet hair. “I’m beat.”

“Alright,” Eiji replies, following Ash out of the room and into the bedroom. Their bedroom was spacious and cozy like all the other rooms in the house. Ash crawls into bed as Eiji locks the bedroom door. Eiji turns off the light in the bedroom and creeps into bed with Ash. A huge window in the bedroom allowed for Ash and Eiji to have a view of the snow falling outside. The sight of the white dots floating around outside was ethereal and calming, and Eiji felt a sense of comfort wash over him as he relaxed into the bed when he realized he would wake up in Ash’s arms in the morning. Ash shuffles closer to Eiji. Eiji turns onto his side so he could face Ash, his arm tucked underneath his pillow.

“Hey,” Eiji murmurs, staring into Ash’s shining jade orbs. Moonlight danced along his breathtaking eyes and golden hair. A stray strand of hair falls across Ash’s face. Eiji reaches out and slowly, tenderly, tucks the stray hair behind Ash’s ear, Eiji’s fingertips gently grazing Ash’s soft, smooth skin.

“Hey,” Ash murmurs back, his voice low, husky, and sweet.

They stare at each other for a moment. Ash could see all the stars and galaxies in the universe in Eiji's chocolate eyes. There was so much light and wonder in his eyes that it made Ash's heart flutter as if it had wings. He wanted to reach out. He wanted to pull Eiji close to him and press his lips against Eiji's inky black hair and hold Eiji tight.

Eiji could see stars and galaxies in Ash's eyes, too; bigger and brighter and more vibrant than Eiji's eyes could ever hope to be.

But there was something else in Ash's eyes, too. Something dark and invisible, sucking the light out of his eyes. A supermassive blackhole filled to the brim with the horrors of New York City lurked within those sparkling pools of jade, swallowing all the stars and galaxies whole. Eiji could see the light fighting to break free of the black hole's gravitational so it could burst forth and fill Ash, exploding like a fiery supernova.

Ash turns away, resting on his left side, his back facing Eiji. Ash had to remember not to be selfish: His selfishness was what nearly got Eiji killed in New York City.

"Goodnight," Ash murmurs quietly.

Eiji frowns. Eiji could feel the black hole growing bigger and bigger with every speck of light it destroyed. He wanted to scoot closer and make the black hole disappear, but he didn't know how. There was a wall between them that had been growing taller and taller every day ever since Ash came to Japan. Eiji wanted to rip it apart and take it down. But he didn't know how to get rid of it, how to make things better, how to soothe the stinging scars inside Ash. All Eiji could do was stare and watch and reach back whenever Ash reached out to him.

And so, Eiji reached back, ignoring his own hopes and feelings in favor of protecting his love.

"Goodnight, Ash."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment or a kudos if you enjoyed! :)
> 
> Let me know if there are any typos or grammatical errors in my work so I can correct them!


	2. Together and Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiji goes to work and Ash struggles to keep his mind at bay.

Eiji opens his eyes and is greeted by the sight of Ash staring silently at him with his wide jade eyes. His eyes were soft and dark, hiding his tender thoughts behind a dark curtain of red.

Ash noticed that Eiji’s eyes studying him as well, his eyes roaming all over Ash’s face and body. It wasn’t a vile or lustful gaze, though. It was completely different from the way those disgusting old men had looked at Ash back in New York City when he was constantly used for other people’s pleasure. Eiji’s gaze was a mixture of innocence and shock, and his eyes were slightly wide, as if he was looking at something that had greatly piqued his interest. To Ash, it felt as though he was being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold winter day. Ash presses his cheek deeper into his soft pillow, causing a stray lock of golden hair to fall across his face.

“What?” Ash asks, jade eyes gazing into chocolate irises.

Eiji shakes his head, a smile spreading across his lips as he speaks. “Nothing, Ash. I’m just glad to be here with you.”

Ash flushes, his cheeks heating up. He feels his heart skip a beat at Eiji’s words. The way Eiji said those words with such grace, such ease, such innocence , made Ash’s heart jump around inside his chest. Eiji stated it as if the fact that Eiji was happy to be by Ash’s side was a well-known law the universe abided by. A rush of milky, golden warmth explodes within Ash’s core, the feeling so intense it almost bordered on terror. Even after months of living in Japan with Eiji by his side, Ash still wasn’t used to this. He wasn’t used to the security, the safety, the stability. The moment was too soft, too sweet, too tender. Ash half expected a bullet to come out of nowhere and pierce through Eiji. Ash could picture the scene unfolding vividly: blood splashing onto Ash’s face, staining the sheets, Eiji’s body falling over, limp and still, his brown eyes dull and empty…

And yet, here they were. Here was Eiji, who was alive and well and smiling and right next to Ash, still sitting in bed, gazing at him, mesmerized. Sunlight continued to wash over them, unperturbed and undeterred, and their hearts continued to beat.

Eiji giggles at Ash’s blushing face before getting out of bed. Eiji speaks as he grabbed some clothes and his towel. “I’m going to wash up and then make breakfast.”

Eiji walks out of the room, leaving Ash alone in their bedroom. Ash rolls onto his back and rests the back of his left hand on his forehead as he turns his head to look outside. He closes his eyes and breathes in and out slowly, letting the silence and warmth echo throughout him.

❆

After Eiji finished showering, Ash washed up in the bathroom while Eiji made breakfast. The duo ate together in the dining room. Eiji had made them omurice that was just as delicious as it looked and after they finished, Eiji got up to wash the dishes in the sink. As he scrubs the dishes, Ash spoke to him.

“Any plans today?” Ash asks as he leans back in his chair.

“Ibe and I are going to photograph some things for a magazine, and then afterwards, we’ll be getting lunch,” Eiji looks over his shoulder to make eye contact with Ash. “You’ll be okay, right? I can cancel if-”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll just order some takeout. I’m not a baby Eiji,” Ash scoffs, turning his head to the side and crossing his arms.

Eiji turns his head back around to face the sink, smiling. He snorts before speaking. “You certainly act like one.”

“Says the old man,” Ash retorts, uncrossing his arms and standing up. “Don’t strain yourself when taking those photos, old man; you might break your back by lifting that heavy camera.”

Eiji grumbles and sticks his tongue out at Ash as he put away the dishes. Ash rolls his eyes in response, a smirk on his face. Eiji dries and sets down the last dish as Ash leans against the table.

"So," Ash starts. "What should we do for Christmas?"

Eiji turns around to face Ash. Warm pink paints Eiji's cheeks. He turns his head to the side as he speaks. "Well, Christmas Eve is more of a romantic holiday than a familial one in Japan..."

"Oh," Ash says, feeling the heat rush through his own cheeks as he stares at Eiji's face.

"But, we could have a Christmas party with other people on Christmas day!" Eiji adds in a hurry, pink and yellow embarrassment flooding through him.

"That...would be nice," Ash says slowly, looking into Eiji's eyes. He can his heart flutter and jump around in his chest, golden with small, white feathered wings. "Do you want to go out during Christmas Eve?"

"I wouldn't mind," Eiji replies, his heart crashing around inside his chest, slamming against his lungs and ribs, huge, radiant, golden wings begging to burst out of his chest and fly away with his heart.

"Alright," Ash says. They both look away from each other. An awkward silence settles between them. Neither of them were used to this. The horrors of New York City were still fresh in their mind, and they hadn't become accustomed to the normalcy and domesticity of life in peaceful, safe Japan, even after months of living in Izumo. Everything was so simple and easy in Japan compared to New York City. Ash and Eiji could talk and eat and laugh together without a care in the world. Their new life was a deep contrast to the constant danger they had to maneuver and suffer through in New York Ciry. Come to think of it, the two of them had never really been on a proper date. Ash wasn't even sure if they were in a romantic relationship. It seemed obvious that they were, but they never really discussed it. The bond Ash and Eiji shared was something that was always between them, but never spoken about. Ash wasn't even sure if he could even put the sacred link between their souls into words. What they had felt too special and complex to put into oversimplified words. That golden warmth that flowed between Ash and Eiji in a neverending cycle could only be communicated through soft love and indescribable feelings shared through stolen looks and gentle touches.

The silence lasts for a few more moments before Ash changes the subject. "Who are we going to invite to the party?"

"We could invite my family," Eiji says. "And maybe Max and Jessica."

"Max and Jessica?" Ash asks. Max and Jessica called and talked to Ash and Eiji through Eiji's phone occasionally. Ash had avoided buying a phone for a while now out of sheer paranoia. It was something Ash didn't like to talk about. "Christmas is only a little over a week away. Would they be able to come at such short notice?"

Eiji shrugs. "We won't know unless we ask."

"What time is it in New York?" Ash asks. Eiji grabs his phone off the counter and checks.

"8:50 P.M.," Eiji replies. "We can call them."

"You call them," Ash says, turning around. "I'm going to read in the bedroom."

"Alright," Eiji says, pulling up Max's contact. He presses call as Ash leaves the room. He holds the phone up to his ear and waits. Suddenly, the call connects.

"Hello?" Max's voice comes through the phone slightly crackly.

"Hey, Max," Eiji says.

"Eiji!" Eiji can practically hear the smile on Max's face as he speaks. "How's it going?"

"Everything's good, thanks. How are you and Jessica and Michael?"

"All good over here! Michael is really excited for Christmas. He keeps talking about it all the time," Max says, his voice soft with fondness for his son. "Speaking of which, are you and Ash going to be celebrating Christmas? And how is Ash?"

"Ash is good. Actually, I called to talk to you about Christmas. Ash and I are going to throw a Christmas party on Christmas Day and we were wondering if you guys could come? I know it's pretty short notice..."

"I'd love to come, Eiji! I'll have to talk to Jessica about it first. She's not home right now, but we'll let you know if we'll be able to come."

"Okay! Also, my family will most likely be there as well. I haven't asked them yet, but it's likely they'll be coming."

"Okay. The more the merrier! Besides, embarrassing Ash in front of your family sounds fun."

Eiji chuckles at that.

"I have to tuck Michael into bed now. It's already 9:00P.M. and he has school tomorrow. I'll call you back later, Eiji."

"Okay. Bye!"

"Bye!"

The call ends and Eiji heads over to the bedroom. When he enters the room, he sees Ash sitting on the bed, enraptured by some ridiculously gigantic book. Ash looks up to look at Eiji before he can say anything. Ash sets the book down on the nightstand as Eiji sits next to him on the bed.

"What'd they say?" Ash asks.

"Max said he has to talk about it with Jessica first," Eiji replies, flopping backwards onto the bed, his legs still hanging off the edge of the mattress. "But they'll probably be coming. I don't see why Jessica would say no."

"Did you call your family?" Ash says, shifting his gaze from Eiji to the window, where the sky was a bright blue.

"Oh, I forgot," Eiji says, sitting up and pulling his phone out of his pocket. Before he can call, however, he sees the time and pauses.

"I have start getting ready now if I want to make it to Ibe on time," Eiji says, tucking his phone into his pocket. "I'll call them later."

"Alright," Ash shrugs, shifting around in his seat. Eiji walks over to one of their shared dressers and pulls out some clothes to change into before leaving the room.

Ash turns his head down to continue reading his book. Ash pushes away the squirming paranoia rising from its slumber as silence fills the bedroom. He reads the last sentence on the page.

A small voice inside Ash whispers quietly, its soft demeanor doing nothing to soften the razor-sharp words it floats around Ash's head.

_What if Eiji doesn't come back?_

Ash shoves the thought away hard. He rereads the sentence, then reads it again, before letting out a frustrated sigh. Ash shuts his book and sets it onto the nightstand before standing up and walking over to the living room, where Eiji was packing his backpack. The sight of Eiji calmly packing his things soothed the dark pit in Ash's stomach. He crosses his arms and leans against the wall as he watches, his jade eyes sliding over Eiji's loose fitting clothes, his somewhat wavy black hair, his sugary eyes, his cracked lips...

Ignoring the sparks in his chest, Ash quietly asks, "When will you be getting back?"

"Around 6:00P.M.," Eiji replies as he ties his shoelaces.

Eiji turns around to face Ash, his coat unzipped.

"Don't forget to eat," Eiji says, shoving his hands into his pockets. "And don't eat too much. And don't spend too much on takeout. And—"

Ash rolls his eyes, a smirk hanging off his lips. "Okay, Niisan. Didn't I tell you not to worry? Keep this up and you'll get wrinkles in no time."

Eiji rolls his eyes and smiles at this. "Fine."

Eiji zips up his coat and slides the straps of his backpack onto his shoulders. Eiji opens the front door of the apartment and looks over to Ash before speaking, his words laced with honey and flowers. "Bye, Ash. I’ll see you soon."

"Bye," Ash says softly, his voice barely loud enough for Eiji to hear. The lock clicks softly as Eiji closes the door behind him, leaving behind an apartment echoing in silence.

Ash stares at the door, already feeling his sense of time beginning to warp. How long had it been since Eiji left? Ash knew Eiji had only just headed off to work, but when Ash was alone, he couldn't trust himself. Time leaped and flew and fell and crawled. He could feel the emptiness opening up a chasm within him, creeping up his bones and sinking its teeth into his dirty, dirty skin...

Ash's nails dig into his skin. He rushes over to the kitchen. Anxiety bounced around in him, giving him excess energy he didn't need. Ash was determined to tire himself out enough that the maelstrom of thoughts inside his head would become a nothing more than a calm, unmoving lake.

Ash flops onto the couch and takes out his phone. He begins watching something random, but the distraction does nothing to quell his energy. His leg bounces up and down repeatedly for a few minutes before Ash stands up and decides to do some exercise. He lays on the floor and begins to do sit-ups. Ash forces himself to go at a steady pace.

_1...2..._

This was good. Everything was good.

_3...4..._

Exercising was good. Exercising kept his heart strong and kept the bad thoughts away. After a workout, Ash's body was too tired to feel anxious and restless. Most importantly, exercise kept him slim and strong so that he wasn't completely defenseless in a dangerous situation.

_9...10..._

Ash wasn't tired out yet, though, and the thoughts continued to crawl their way into his head.

_12...13..._

Everything was fine. No one is going to come into the apartment.

_15...16..._

Everything was suspiciously silent. The only sounds Ash could hear was the steady thump of his back hitting the carpet and his own much too loud heartbeat echoing in his ears.

_19...20..._

Something bad was going to happen. Ash knew it. He could feel it in his blood.

_25...26...27..._

Ash was going faster know, his back hitting the carpet and lifting up faster than before as the boiling, frothing gray ooze inside his bloodstream becomes more intense.

_34...35...36...37..._

Eiji was the only light Ash had. Every time Eiji left him, Ash was left in the darkness to fend for himself all alone. Ash can't fight for himself in the darkness. He can't be alone.

_45...46...47...48...49..._

Anything could happen between now and 6:00P.M. Yut-Lung could find Eiji's apartment and kidnap Ash as revenge, or even kill Eiji while he's at work. Eiji could be attacked, or kidnapped, or run over, or raped, or...

_70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75..._

And all of it would be Ash's fault. Just being in the same town as Ash was not safe for Eiji. If anything happened to Eiji, Ash would lose the only good thing in his life and it would all be his fault.

All his fault...

_86878990919293—_

Ash's back hits the carpet and he collapses, his muscles melting. His stomach feels like it's on fire, and his heart is slamming hard against his chest, but for one long, blissful moment, Ash is free of his shackles and his heart floats out of his chest and breathes for the first time in ages. Ash lays there for a while, staring up at the ceiling.

Eventually, Ash stands up and checks the time.

_12:17P.M._

Ash sighs. His muscles were less tense than before, but he still needed something to preoccupy his time, or else the thoughts would come crawling back all over again.

Ash's gaze drifts over to the kitchen, and Ash thinks of all the times Eiji has made him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Eiji always cooks for him, even when he just came home tired from work. It was about time Ash repaid the favor.

Ash looks for recipes online, scrolling endlessly through different articles all claiming to have the best dishes. He had no idea what he was doing, so Ash decides to make a simple dish.

Pasta. Should be simple enough.

Before he could look more thoroughly into it, Ash gets a text from Eiji.

[ _12:51P.M._ ]

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_Have you ordered lunch yet?_

When Ash first bought his phone, Eiji saved himself on Ash's phone as "Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ" and Ash teased Eiji for overly cute kaomoji, but Eiji just stuck his tongue out at Ash and saved his contact with the stupid kaomoji anyways. Ash never changed it because it always made him smile whenever he saw it because it reminded him of that memory.

 _**Ash**  
_ _Overprotective much?_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_I just want to make sure you ate since you have a habit of not eating when I'm not around_

And just like that, the smile is gone. Poof, just like that. Like a cloud of smoke floating away.

_**Ash**  
That's not true_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_I know it is. There's never any take out packaging in the garbage when I get home_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_and all the pots and pans are always in the same spot I left them in_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_so I know you don't cook either_

Ash stares at his phone blankly, his insides melting into goop. A few moments pass before another text comes in.

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_did you think I wouldn't notice?_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_I'm not that stupid, Ash_

_**Ash**  
I don't think you're stupid Eiji_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_please eat_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_ill make us dinner when we get home_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_send me a picture of the food_

_**Ash**  
ok_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_I'm sorry if it feels like I'm being extreme_

_**Ash**  
it's fine_

_**Ash**  
talk to you later_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_I'm sorry if I made you upset_

_**Ash  
**it's fine_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_are you sure?_

_**Ash  
**Just so you know, I'll be making dinner tonight_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_It's okay, you don't have to!_

_**Ash  
**But I want to_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_Okay! Thanks :)_

_**Ash  
**bye_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_talk to you soon!_

Ash sighs, closing out of his messages and going online to order some food. It's not like he skips his meals on purpose; Eating just slips Ash's mind most of the time. It wasn't a big deal. Eiji was always pestering him to eat anyways; what's the big deal about a few missed meals? Ash's eating habits were much better here in Japan than they were in New York City. Back then, Ash would sometimes go the whole day without eating and he pretty much never had proper meals. The only time he ate regularly was during his early years when he lived with Griffin and when he lived under Dino's control. Ash would never tell Eiji any of that, though...

Ash decides to order some pizza with extra cheese on one side and pineapples and peppers on the other. After around twenty minutes, the pizza arrives and Ash takes a picture of himself taking a bite of a slice of pizza to Eiji.

[ _1:14P.M._ ]

_**Ash** _  
_happy?_

**_Eijiヽ(*≧ω≦)ﾉ_ **  
_yes :)_

A small smile forms on Ash's face as he chews his bite of pizza slowly, savoring the hot, goopy cheese and tomato mixed with the juicy pang of pineapple and peppers mixed together. He closes his eyes and rolls the food around on his tongue to try and enjoy the taste, but it all falls flat. Nothing feels good unless Eiji is with him. It's almost as if Ash loses all of his senses whenever Eiji leaves. Ash turns his head to stare out the window as he continues to blandly chew his pizza, wondering how he ever had the will to keep going back in New York City, where his life was a living hell.

Actually, Ash did know why he kept going. He had Shorter and Skipper and Griffin and his gang. He kept going for them.

And then he got the only people who mattered in his life killed.

The black, gaping abyss comes back, swallowing all of Ash's organs whole, cutting deep into his skin, despite being intangible and impossible to scrape off his body.

The images flash vividly in his mind. The life spilling out of Skipper's eyes as blood gushes from his chest. The air rushing out of his lungs when he found out Griffin was dead. The way the cold steel of the gun pressed into Ash's skin as he pulled the trigger and made the bullet pierce through Shorter and still his entire body.

All of it fills him with a sickening nausea.

Ash finishes his slice of pizza and forces himself to eat another slice so that Eiji wouldn't complain when he got home. He eats despite having no appetite. A sudden urge to escape crashes over Ash. He can feel exhaustion seep into his bones, and so, Ash stands up from the kitchen table and heads to the bedroom. He knows he should start making dinner like he promised Eiji, but he couldn't bring himself to. All Ash wanted was to escape the memories, and right now, sleep was his only release. Exercise only gave Ash a brief respite and Eiji wasn't here to free him from his shackles.

Sleeping was always gamble. Sometimes, Ash was lucky and he enjoyed a deep, endless darkness, free from the chains of reality and the truth. And other times, Ash wasn't so lucky. Reality came crashing through his head with a vengeance, reminding him of all the blood on his hands and all the lives he's ruined and the sins he committed with the moans of men and women looking for pleasure deep into the night.

Ash shakes his head and sets an alarm for 4:30P.M. before lowering all the curtains and crawling under the bed, letting the warmth of the blankets lull him into the darkness, where he belonged.

❆

"Ash. Ash, wake up."

Ash can hear a voice whispering to him as a hand shakes his shoulder back and forth. He groans, rolling over before opening his eyes and squinting at the person in front of him.

"Ash, I finished making dinner," Eiji says, smiling softly. "Let's eat."

The fogginess of sleep melts away, and suddenly, Ash is very, very sober. He sits up abruptly in his bed.

"Wait, what time is it?" Ash says, grabbing his phone and answering his own question for himself. The time on his phone read 7:44P.M.

"Almost 8," Eiji replies, standing up straight. "I'm sorry I couldn't finish dinner earlier. I felt a little lazy when I got home and I didn't start cooking right away."

Eiji punctuates the last sentence with a sheepish smile that Ash is unable to process as the abyss inside him twists and lurches, screaming silently and writhing furiously.

"But...I was supposed to..." Ash trails off, biting his bottom lip. He turns his head to stare at the bed, unable to look at Eiji's innocent face in the eye.

"It's fine, Ash," Eiji chirps. When Ash doesn't respond, Eiji sits down next to Ash on the bed and gently places his hand on Ash's shoulder.

"Ash—" Eiji starts, but Ash pushes Eiji's hand off of his shoulder and jumps up from the bed.

"I'm going to the table!" Ash snaps, quickly rushing out of the bedroom. Eiji stares at the empty bedroom doorway with no idea how to reach Ash over the gaping chasm between them.

They eat dinner at that the table together. Eiji attempts to make cheerful conversation, but all his advances are met with one word responses or silence. Ash leaves the table, his food practically untouched, and heads to the bedroom. When Eiji lays next to him that night, Ash sleeps with his back facing Eiji, and all Eiji can do is stare, and stare...

And stare...

They're living together in Japan, and yet, Eiji and are both all alone, left by themselves to long for more as Ash continues to close himself off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment or a kudos if you enjoyed! :)
> 
> This probably won't be updated for a while. Sorry!


End file.
